Hey folks! This is just a few selections of humor related to this fic that refused to go away, so I thought I’d write them down and share the horror.
PLEASE NOTE: This chapter should be considered as having an R rating for some implied sophomoric level (read: “gutter level”) humor.
Your less-than-sane author,
Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000
(Mike, Crow, and Tom enter the theater and sit down in front of the fic fragment)
Mike: (imitating a Julia Child) And here we’ve got another fic of the rabid fangirl variety.
"Papa, your hands are really big!"
Mike and Bots: EEEEWWWW!!!
Daniel Noah paused in the middle of his stretch and looked over at his son.
Tom: Tell me it’s not another Yaoi fic!
Crow: This could end up even worse…
"That's a strange comment, Bright," he said, "what makes you say that?"
Mike: (imitating Daniel Noah) Is it my manly good looks?
Crow: (imitating young Bright) No, it’s just that they’re sticky.
The seven year old held his own hand up into the air next to his father's. The tiny hand was so completely overshadowed as to seem a hopeless cause.
Mike and Bots: (singing) I wanna hold your haaaaaaaaannndddd!
"My hand's little," said young Bright,
"you can hold a lot of stuff in yours. I wish mine were
Daniel slowly lowered his hand and rested it on his stomach. "Bright," he said at length,
Tom: (imitating Daniel Noah) I’m not wearing any pants.
"sometimes it's better not to hold so much at once. Don't be in such a hurry to have to hold everything in your hands, okay?"
Crow: It leads to having to pay child support. I should know!
"Yessir," Bright responded, not entirely sure what his father meant.
Mike: But dreading every word.
SD Gundam Fanfic Omake: Chapter One – Sort of Like a Pilot Chapter
(Bright and Mirai in SD form sit down at the kitchen table to eat.)
Bright: Mirai, will you date me?
(Mirai tosses a date at Bright. Bright facefaults, then recovers and sits in the chair once again. Mirai holds up her hand in the typical Anime v-for-victory symbol. SD Clarisse comes zipping into the room and tackle-glomps Bright.)
Clarisse: Niichan niichan niichan!
(Bright begins to turn purple.)
Mirai: Uh… I don’t think he can breathe. Who are you, anyway?
Clarisse: Isn’t it obvious? I’m the requisite self-insertion character! Aren’t I cute!?!
Mirai: I still don’t think he can breathe…
Clarisse: Oh don’t worry, it’s all good.
Mirai: (looking around) Don’t we have some plot around here somewhere?
SD Gundam Fanfic Omake: Chapter Two – Confusing Plots and Nifty ‘Bots!
(All the characters are sitting around in a non-descript cave in the middle of the night. The three kids zip around like miniature engines during the entire scene.)
Kats, Lets, and Kikka: WWWWHHHHHEEEEEEE!!! WE’RE JUST TOO ADORABLE FOR WORDS!!
Bright: Well, there’s obviously only one way to fix this problem we’re
Amuro: Wait! I missed the plot! What’s going on?
Sayla: Oh don’t worry, you’re not supposed to understand it yet. The author likes to confuse her readers and her characters that way.
Kai: In order to deceive your enemy, you must first deceive your friends!
Amuro: How does deceiving us help!?!
Kats, Lets, and Kikka: WWWWEEEEEEEEEEE!
Bright: (to the “adults”) Excuse me a moment. (to the kids) SSSHHHHHUUUUUTTT UUUUPPPPP!!!!
(The three kids are forced back into a random crevice in the cave wall by the sound waves. Bright turns back to the “adults.”)
Bright: Anyway, obviously, the only way to fix this problem is to steal the
nifty new robots the author made up as a plot device!
(Berz sits at her computer desk feverishly writing when she really should be doing Calculus III homework. Her chibi-muse sits on her shoulder, cracking a whip in her ear.)
Muse-chan: C’mon! You’d better write while I’m still coming
around! You never know when I’ll abandon you!
Berz: Hey, aren’t you supposed to be inspiring me on that X-Men Evolution fanfic that’s been sitting around for four months now? And what about my Robotech magnum opus?
Muse-chan: Forget it! I want you to work on THIS! Now work, mindless minion! (cracks whip in Berz’s ear)
Berz: (whining) But I already give you all that time in between my classes and all! C’mon! I have to do school work at some point!
Muse-chan: That can wait! After all, what’s Calculus compared to a fanfic epic? The first, I might add, that’s come with a message free of charge from li’l ol’ me!
Berz: (weighing options) Hmm… Integrals or allegory… SOLD!
(Berz’s grades instantly plummet.)
SD Gundam Fanfic Omake Chapter three – Lack of Intelligence
(Bright, Mirai, and Clarisse all walk into a city, making squeaks with every step. They walk into a bar.)
Bright: (to Clarisse) Hey! You’re too young to come in here!
Clarisse: And just when did you come here first, mister clean?
(SD Jean Carnot comes up to them and hits on Clarisse.)
Jean: (in annoying, exaggerated French accent) Hey there, cutie pie! Wanna have a drink and go off to the room upstairs with me?
(Bright instantly squashes him with a large mallet.)
Clarisse: ^^; Hey, aren’t only girls supposed to have those?
Bright: It’s all his fault, dammit! Blame Carnot!
Clarisse: I don’t even wanna KNOW!
Mirai: (scraping pancake-Carnot off the ground) Hey, he was a major plot point! Now what?
Bright: Oh, I’ll just grab this conveniently placed plot device off him and we can go.
Mirai: But what about the heroic chase? The profound wisdom? The sudden declaration of love in the face of hopeless odds?
Bright: No time. We still have to figure out what the heck the main plotline’s about!
SD Gundam Fanfic Omake chapter four – Climax? We don’t need no stinkin’ climax!
(SD Bright pokes SD McAllis with a stick.)
(Puzzled, Bright pokes him again. McAllis promptly falls over.)
McAllis: Ha! No closure for you!
Bright: You mean I have to live with not actually understanding all this until it’s far too late to make it do anything for me?
McAllis: Well, not quite… but a lotta crap does happen because you’re simply a slow twit who doesn’t get it until he’s, you know, eighty or so. Then you’ll have a big, sappy revelation.
Bright: Yay! Big sappy revelation! Wait! What am I saying?
(Camera pans over to show Berz typing away at the keyboard. The Chibi-muse has been tied and gagged and shoved in a corner.)
Berz: (to Bright) Just what I want you to say. ^_^
Insert dedication of the Grade-A Wisconsin cheese type here!
(Berz sits at her desk at one in the morning, doing a final check over of the last chapter. The chibi-muse pops in and sits on her shoulder again.)
Muse-chan: Man, am I pooped!
Berz: YOU’RE pooped!?! What about me!?! I don’t suppose you’re going to give me anything to work with on my Robotech story for all that great work I did on this, are you?
Muse-chan: HELL no!
Berz: You’re cruel.
Muse-chan: I know. Now, see, there’s this Enterprise idea I want you to work on once the new semester starts.
Berz: You’re not cruel. There isn’t a word for you.
Muse-chan: ^_^ Music to my ears!
OWARI! Really this time.